Let live!!!
She decides,
to go with the wind,
carrying the pain and the cries.
She is scared,
She fears the road,
She weeps and she screams.
She tries to move,
with the time,
with the wind,
and no sign.
She senses,
a new breeze,
coming her way.
She is confused,
She has to decide,
She wants to disappear.
She has no option.
She decides,
to go with the wind,
with the future.
A future,
worth living,
worth risking.
This is me…
Sometimes I feel there is a lot I can tell you about me, and sometimes I am left searching for words to describe me. And that is me, confused, daring, honest, unpredictable, detached and unconventional. A typical Aquarian best described by Linda Goodman with a few exceptions.
I believe freedom to live life your own way is every individual’s right, and to me my freedom is very important. Freedom to me means not living life on others terms, be it the people who I love or my colleagues at work. I hate being controlled and guided in their own way. If you have thoughts, just give me the options and leave it to me to make my decisions. Do not force your decisions on to me, I get highly agitated. Set me free to learn from my own mistakes. This is not my attitude, this is how I am. I will love you and respect you all the more once you let me be the way I am. Do not possess me, I belong only to myself.
I still don’t know what kind of a man I would like to spend my entire life with. I have given a serious thought to this facet of my life, and am still doing the analysis. But one thing is for sure, I cannot love someone unless he is my very good friend. He has to be someone who knows me in and out. He has to be someone whom I respect and admire, a respect not demanded. He should be someone who would know when I need space and when I want to be wanted. He should be conversative, smart, loyal, inspiring, interesting, flirting and someone who could make me laught out loud even when I am sixty. I am not asking for a miracle to occur, but a hope still remains.
Keep the faith!!!
We make mistakes. We hurt others emotions knowingly and unknowingly. We believe our life is more important than other’s. Sometimes we even annoy others for no reason. We scold people. We curse people. We blame others for our incomplete dreams and aspirations. We believe we go wrong because of others influence on our decisions. We make our own decisions and yet fear the outcome. And there are many like these people, including me. We all want the best for ourselves and we do realize what all we lose on our way of getting the best. And then we hate ourselves and believe that everything happened for the best, which I can never figure out, no matter how much I try.
I have crossed twenty five years of my life and am still not sure what I want from my life. Do I really want anything out of my life? This question keeps haunting me several times and I never find an answer to it. All I want is to be happy and just happy. And this happpiness is very very very expensive which I only happen to get in bits.
But now I’ve realized that happiness is in being happy with others. Your happiness has no meaning when it hurts others. I’ll try not to live a lie again. And today is the day I turn my life around the way it should have been. I have realized that I got to move on and be whom I am. And I am gonna do everything I can.
The day – today – madness
What a day i have had today, worth putting down i guess. Everything is just going on so strange, and so unexpected that I have concluded that today it’s going to be a bad day in every way.. To put it down, it all started with an accident. Although it was a minor one but the impact seems to be never ending.
As usual I had left home for work, and I happened to bang into one beautiful big car. I do not know how and when it happened, but it happened. The guy inside the car went on screaming and I stood behind just telling “I am Sorry”, I really don’t know how I happened to hit the car when everything was going so smooth, and the entire crowd was staring at me as if I appeared nude… Believe me, I hated being the centre of attraction at that point of time, inspite of the fact that the car was completely fine and there wasn’t any deformation. The man inside yelled for few seconds and moved ahead.
And when my bike moved, there was an ugly noisy sound which left me startled. I didn’t know what had happened to my bike, and the second it made that sound, I felt all the more humiliated. I somehow managed to push the vehicle to the opposite road in order to find a mechanic, but in no gain and only pain. I don’t know what struck my mind and I started riding again only to hear the loud stretching noise again and everybody was turning and looking at me making me feel so embarassed. I immediately got down and started pushing for close to half a kilometre in search of a mechanic which left me really tiring. I parked my vehicle near a building and walked to the nearest mechanic and got my bike repaired (all he had to do was get the front part of my bike in shape using pliers) and after that it was perfectly fine, but the rest of my day does not seem to be going as normal.
Since the accident, I kind of seem to have a strange feeling within me, something like as if the blood within me rushing in an opposite direction. I entered the office only to find my access blocked as I had not swiped the last evening. Then I pinged an unknown person for tea instead of my friend, to which he replied “I don’t mind” 
. Then I happened to find that every month an amount of Rs.500 is getting credited into my FoodPlus card which I haven’t used it since ages. Likewise, I am going around dropping stuffs, moving up and down the building, including my account getting locked (which was just a call away to unlock though). But this day seems to be very very strange. Ho ho ho… I just received a call (wrong number) to deliver packages from Hyderabad:). May be I am exaggerating, but things are really abnormal today.
Stranger!!!
I don’t know whether this happens only with me or have you also been in such situations??? Sometimes, some stranger just keeps passing by you very often making his presence felt, for no reason. But you do have some wierd thoughts running through your mind which also gets a naughty smile on your face.
As of now, I am thinking the same. There is a guy who seems to have been crossing my mind very often lately. It was almost two months back when I first saw him at a lounge. Our eyes met once again while we came out of the lounge’s restroom, and he smiled..a crooked smile though and he looked very cute thennnn. And then I see him once again in my company’s parking lot and surprisingly, we acknowledge each other’s presence just through our eyes. Then we again crossed at a coffee shop, but this time I guess he did not see me. And just a few weeks back he happened to overtake my vehicle and did turn his head back and gave me a look. I don’t know if it was done on purpose or was just an accidant. And the last week, he appeared all of a sudden just to help me with the door at my workplace. And now, guess what.. he just happens to sit a few seats away from me. I now have to everyday cross by his desk to move around. Ain’t it strange??
It is strange … and I know there is no reason for this. We are just employees of the same firm with no other reason. It’s funny and just a thoughtless thing to have even passed my mind. But only such junks keep crossing my mind. Uh……. empty mind is a devil’s workshop!!!
I have to be patient!!!!!
Whatever happens, happens for the best…. this is one dialogue which everyone says after something bad has happened, or when you are most disappointed with something which u didn’t expect to happen. We all believe in dreams and we all make efforts to fulfill our dreams in our own way. Most of the times, these dreams just remain as dreams and we are forced to accept destiny. In-spite of all our efforts and commitment, some of our wishes remain unsatisfied. And with me, it seems to be happening more than often.
Today, I find myself in a situation where I feel I am most confused. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know what I am doing. I feel motiveless. I don’t know why, but seems like everything is going wrong at this time. I can feel a change in attitude and behaviour within myself. I can realize how rude and annoyed I’ve been with people who are so important to me. I know things will get alright with time and I need to be patient, but at this time, patience is something which I have the least. It kills to be patient. It hurts to accept the way things are going on. Reality isn’t beautiful and I know it can get worse. I wonder what’s more to come.
Madness!!!
Oh my God!! I hate this. I just hate this about myself. I hate the fact that I am confused. I am a super confused nut. I should be taken to the top of a hill and then pushed. I should be left hanging in the sky. I should be crucified. Why am I so confused?
I just don’t know what am I doing? I know I am taking hasty decisions. After all what is happening, I need to punish myself, hurt myself the most. I want to see myself in pain that I cannot put it in words. Why do I still think about what is gone? Why do I still think about something which cannot come back? No….. I don’t need anyone, but then why am I not able to avoid it. It hurts, it pains and it cries. Oh hell, I just hate this about me. I don’t know where to go, i dont know what i want.. i don’t know if i even want anything. i don’t want anything. please don’t force me to make decisions. Set me free. Leave me alone. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………………………….
mindsparkle
